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General Information > Pet Humor > TO: GOD: FROM: THE DOG (Go To Message)
otter
 
TO: GOD: FROM: THE DOGJune 29, 2005 @ 6:37pm
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.

4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

5. The sofa is not a 'face towel'. Neither is Mom?s lap.

6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

8. I will not bite the officer' s hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

9. I will not play tug-of-war with Mom's underwear when she's on the toilet.

10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".

11. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

13. I will not throw up in the car.

14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.

16. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

And, finally, My last question?

Dear God: Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16?

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven will I get my testicles back?
General Information > Announcements > DeKalb County: Pet Adoption @ discount price (Go To Message)
otter
 
DeKalb County: Pet Adoption @ discount priceJune 7, 2005 @ 12:48pm
PET ADOPTION AT A DISCOUNT PRICE
ADOPTION AND REGISTRATION FEES WAIVED FOR A DAY

DECATUR - In an effort to promote community awareness to the plight of unwanted animals, the DeKalb County Board of Commissioners voted to waive adoption and registration fees to coincide with a special pet adoption event.

The DeKalb Animal Services & Enforcement unit is hosting the "Pet Adoption Day" Saturday, June 25, at The Northlake Mall, 4800 Briarcliff Road in Tucker. Anyone who adopts a pet on that day will only pay for expenses incurred for spaying or neutering the animals.

"It is so important that we raise public awareness about pet adoption and save the lives of these stray and abandoned dogs," said DeKalb Chief Executive Officer Vernon Jones. "It is inhumane that so many animals have to be put down simply because owners won't spay and neuter their pets."

The $32 that pet owners will save represents more than a 30% savings for dogs: male dogs will cost only $55, females will cost $60.

Although cats will only be available at DeKalb Animal Service Center at 845 Camp Road, the fee waiver applies. A male cat will only cost $30 to adopt, and females will cost $50.

All adopted animals will already be spayed and neutered, vaccinated against rabies, and will come with the appropriate registration and paperwork. Anyone age 18 and over can adopt a pet.

If you can't make it to "Pet Adoption Day," you can adopt an animal at any time from the DeKalb Animal Services & Enforcement Unit at 845 Camp Road. For more information, call 404-294-2996.
General Information > Pet Humor > Cat Laws (Go To Message)
otter
 
Cat LawsJune 2, 2005 @ 10:10am
Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetis
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
General Information > Pet Humor > Cat in Heaven (Go To Message)
otter
 
Cat in HeavenJune 2, 2005 @ 10:07am
One day a cat died and went to Heaven. God said to the cat: "You lived a good life and if there is anything I can do to make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please, don't hesitate to let Me know."

After a moment of thought, the cat replied: "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor. Just once would I like to have a nice soft pillow to call my own."

The Lord smiled, and a beautiful velvet pillow appeared out of nowhere.

A few days later eight farm mice were killed in an accident and went to Heaven. They, too, were greeted by God Himself with the same question. The mice answered: "All of our lives we've been chased by cats, dogs, and even by women with brooms. We never want to have to run again. Do you think we could have inline skates? They look like a lot of fun."

Suddenly all of them wore tiny inline skates with colorful little wheels.

About a week or so later, God visited the cat to see how she was doing.

Rolled up in a ball, she was laying on her pillow, sleeping. God gently woke her up and asked: "So, how do you like it up here?"

The cat stretched and yawned: "It is wonderful here! I love what you've done with the place. And great service! Those Meals On Wheels you've been sending me were a nice touch!"
General Information > Announcements > Welcome! (Go To Message)
otter
 
Welcome!June 1, 2005 @ 11:29pm
Welcome to our newly redesigned website!

We're still busy adding all sorts of information to share with you, so please check back often for updates.

We hope you enjoy your time visiting here and appreciate any donations to help us care for our animals.
General Information > Pet Humor > Tribute to Charles Schulz (Go To Message)
otter
 
Tribute to Charles SchulzMay 26, 2005 @ 11:10am
General Information > Pet Humor > Fleas (Go To Message)
otter
 
FleasMay 26, 2005 @ 11:07am
General Information > Pet Humor > Dog's Reminder to Self (Go To Message)
otter
 
Dog's Reminder to SelfMay 26, 2005 @ 10:47am
1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa, or under the bed.

4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.

6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

7. I will not throw up in the car.

8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.

9. "Kitty box crunchies", although they are tasty, are not food.

10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it is raining outside.

15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with them.

17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom and dad's laps.

18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and registration.

20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage and walk around with a string hanging out of my butt.

22. I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after just getting a bath.

23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.

24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.

25. I will not fart in my owner's face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.

26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.

27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply, and just because the water is blue, doesn't mean it is cleaner.

28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.

29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.

30. The cat is not a squeaky toy, so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
General Information > Pet Humor > The Top 16 Signs Your Cat is Overweight (Go To Message)
otter
 
The Top 16 Signs Your Cat is OverweightMay 26, 2005 @ 12:03am
16. Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.
15. Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.
14. Always lands on her spleen.
13. Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches.
12. Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.
11. No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.
10. Rosanne fits through your kitty door without the aid of lubricants.
9. Catfood dish replaced with Rush Limbaugh trough.
8. Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pants suit.
7. It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.
6. "Steals breath" from all five quintuplets, simultaneously.
5. Larry King keeps trying to kiss it full on the lips.
4. Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.
3. He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.
2. Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.


and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign Your Cat is Overweight...


1. Has more chins than lives.
General Information > Pet Humor > How Many Dogs Does it Take To Change a Light Bulb? (Go To Message)
otter
 
How Many Dogs Does it Take To Change a Light Bulb?May 25, 2005 @ 11:56pm
Afghan:
Light bulb? What light bulb?

Australian Shepherd
Put all the bulbs in a little circle ...

Beagle:
Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I ate was a light bulb?

Border Collie:
Just one? And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Chihuahua
Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Cocker Spaniel:
Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Dachshund:
I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Doberman Pinscher:
While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Greyhound
It isn't moving. Who cares?

Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Hound Dog
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Irish Wolfhound
Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.

Labrador:
Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb!!! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Mastiff:
Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Malamute:
Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Pointer
I see it! There it is! Right there!

Rottweiller:
Go Ahead! Make me!

Shitzu:
Puh-leeez, dahling. I have servants for that kind of thing.

Toy Poodle:
I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cat:
You need light to see?

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