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Recent Messages
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| New AKC Breeds | May 25, 2005 @ 11:55pm | The following breeds are now recognized by the American Kennel Club:
Collie + Lhasa Apso Collapso= a dog that folds up for easy transport
Pointer + Setter Poinsetter= a traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund Pyradachs= a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso Peekasso= an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer= Spaniel Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Newfoundland + Basset Hound= Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors |
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| Top 20 Reasons Dogs Don't Use Computers | May 25, 2005 @ 11:53pm | 20. Can't stick their heads out of Windows XP
19. Fetch command not available on all platforms
18. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side
17. Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit
16. Can't help attacking the screen when the hear "you've got mail"
15. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
14. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing "www.pethouse.com" instead of working.
13. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG Frisbee
12. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon screen saver.
11. Still trying to come up with an "emoticon" that signifies tail wagging.
10. Oh, but they WILL...with the introduction of the Microsoft Opposable Thumb.
9. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome
8. 'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...
7. Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.
6. SmellU-SmellME still in beta test.
5. SIT and STAY were hard enough, GREP and AWK are out of the question!
4. Saliva-coated mouse gets mighty difficult to maneuver
3. Annoyed by lack of newsgroup, alt.pictures, master's.leg
2. Butt-sniffing more direct and less deceiving than online chat rooms.
and the Number 1 Reason Dogs Don't Use Computers
1. Tr) {g) DsA [M,bN HyAqR4tDc Tgr)o TgYPmE WeljTyHP;AzWqs,..(Too Damn Hard to Type with Paws) |
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| Cat Commandments | May 25, 2005 @ 11:52pm | Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.
Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as if thou are transparent.
Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face.
Fast as thou art, thou cannot run through closed doors.
Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it.
Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.
Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4a.m.
Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at thy first opportunity.
Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slowly.
Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.
Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded. |
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| Doggy Dictionary | May 25, 2005 @ 11:50pm | Leash: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
Dog Bed: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
Drool: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
Sniff: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
Garbage Can: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
Bicycles: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
Deafness: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
Vacuum: An agent of darkness and evil. Not being very smart, vacuums will alert you of their presence with a tremendous roar. If you should see your person fighting with a vacuum, it is your duty to back and growl as loud as you can. This will scare the vacuum into hibernation, at which point your person can tie the vacuum up with its own tail and jail it in a closet.
Thunder: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
Wastebasket: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.
Sofas: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
Bath: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
Lean: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
Bump: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
Goose Bump: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require. especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
Love: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return. |
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| Dog Property Laws | May 25, 2005 @ 11:48pm | 1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours. |
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